How to Turn Your Partner Into a Generous Lover

By Dr. Jess

Relationships require teamwork. When one person feels like they’re giving more than they’re getting in the bedroom, the imbalance can lead to frustration, fights and even breakups. If you feel that you’re doing all the heavy lifting when it comes to physical intimacy, check out these tips for getting more from your lover.

1. Give your partner praise.

Compliments really will get you everywhere. Compliments are one of the greatest sources of motivation and a good ego stroking can be just as titillating as the stroking of other body parts! A genuine compliment is also the perfect conversation starter to motivate a lover who may not be in tune with your needs. I break the conversation down into three parts:

Compliment (for example: I love when you ___.)

Make an offer (for example: What can I do for you?)

Ask for what you want (for example: I’d love more of ___.)

2. Use porn, erotica or popular media.

Do you want to be kissed the way Don Draper kisses his mistress in Mad Men? Do you want your lover to show enthusiasm the way Mindy does for Danny in a particular scene from The Mindy Project? Or do you want your partner to seduce you the way the protagonist from your favorite novel does with their lover? Let your partner know how much these scenes turn you on and ask them to pull an element or two from the script!

3. Be direct.

It’s possible that your partner is purposefully holding back, but it may be that they’re unknowingly taking advantage of your generous nature, so let them know. Here are a few suggested phrases to get you started:

I’d love if you’d take the lead tonight.

I want more of ___.

It would feel really good if you ___.

I love being closer to you and I really want to ___. Would you do ___ for me?

I feel as though I’m doing more of ___. Would you be willing to___ more for me?

I want more foreplay. It makes my orgasms more intense. 

4. Lead by example.

It’s easy to lay the blame on someone else, but also ask yourself if you’re being as giving as you would like your lover to be. Do you share in the efforts to initiate sex? Oftentimes, this falls onto one partner’s shoulders and can lead to resentment both in and out of the bedroom.

5. Show and tell.

Sometimes we fall into (lazy) sexual routines because of a lack of communication about specific wants, needs and boundaries. Some people are perfectly comfortable telling their partner exactly what they want (for example: “Rub my clit back and forth with your index and middle finger like the second hand of a clock”) and others are more kinesthetic. If you’re not as comfortable providing verbal directions (or your partner doesn’t receive them as openly), simply take them by the hand and guide them with an encouraging “I love when you touch it like this.” Most lovers (even lazy ones) are willing to learn if the instruction is translated into a supportive language that they understand.

6. Talk dirty.

Spice up your directions and encouragement a little and make them a part of the erotic experience. Some suggestions might include:

I want to lie back and let you take care of me.

I’ll give you ___, if you do as I say.

I want to come over and over again. I’ll tell you when it’s your turn.

Give me more of that! You’re too good!

Don’t stop.

Do this for me: ___. I’ll pay you back tonight.

Make me come!

7. Change your timing.

Switch things up to suit your partner’s energy levels and schedule. If sex in the early mornings or late evenings means catching your partner when they’re most exhausted, change the timing (for example, before dinner) so that you’re connected when they have more energy. You’d be surprised at how this simple fix can change your dynamic in the bedroom!

It’s easy to get frustrated when you feel like you aren’t getting back as much as you’re putting into your relationship, and what goes on in your bedroom is no exception. You can feel like your partner should just “know” what to do and do it already! But if you truly want things to change, you may need to change your approach—and these tips are a great place to start! Try them yourself and tweet @ASTROGLIDE and @SexWithDrJess to tell us which tip worked best for you!

_{Images are for illustrative purposes only.}